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Posts Tagged ‘musings’

Past Baggage?

Does your past ever evade you?  Or does it form a part of your present?

For me my past is an integral part of who I am today. It has taught me to love and lose, to cry over something lost and to smile for the happiness it has brought forth, to miss the moments that were and to smile for the fact that they happened, to realize that it’s finally over and to know that it’s over for a reason.

But then, does love ever stop?  For me love never dies, it changes form. So for someone I’ve loved with all my heart and soul, the love will never cease to be there. But it has a new dimension – from romantic illusions of a life together, it is a quite and resilient happiness for all that is signifies today- for him to be in a place he is happy in and I to be happy for him, irrespective of who he is with and where.

For me, my past was never a romantic affair that ended mid-way with copious amounts of tears and tearing and burning of mushy cards. My past was a love who perhaps never knew how much I loved him and wanted to be a part of his life. It’s weird because with him I can’t imagine that I would have ever held his hands and taken a walk by the beach, whispering sweet nothings. With him it was more of loving him by being with him, by being around him and most importantly belonging to him. That’s the only thing that I’ve ever wanted- to belong to him, not in a slave kind of way but in a way that nobody has ever felt – that close, that familiar. And that never happened. I loved, I lost. But it etched my mind forever- with a love that can never be washed away…

Today I am a stronger woman- a happier woman. I know I have enough love in my heart to give to someone who doesn’t care and someone who does. And for both I’m thankful.

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The Men in My Life

In order of preference…tho’ the preference keeps changing according to the mood…but its always them

For the smile and the wit

For making salt and pepper so sexy and so far far removed from food

For the perennial white shirt and blue jeans and the love for food and cooking

For the smile and the innocence in the eyes

And lastly…and most importantly…M…for accepting me with all my men 🙂

I love you lots…

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have you ever felt that you were emotionally drained? that you were giving too much of yourself to your friends, families, lover/loved ones and getting nothing in return? that you valued people much much more than they ever have? that you loved without being loved in return? that it was necessarily important to be loved in return when you love unconditionally? that there is something called unconditional love?

the last few days iv been constantly thinking about relationships and the significance it has in people’s lives. For me relationships hold huge amount of importance- whether it be friends, family, spouse. Office is possibly the only place where I don’t get emotionally involved but that is a conscious decision that I have made so that it helps me get my work done without thinking how others perceive. Despite this I still have a close friend at work who of course tells me that my nature at office has made everybody think that I hate them with a vengeance. which is good in a way. because if I have to deal with emotional soppy nonsense at work, I might as well hang myself and put the entire matter to rest 😉

But really, when it comes to friends and family, I notice myself giving much more of myself than I probably give to err…myself. I care about what people say, what I say to people, what people think, blah, blah blah. M tells me I go over the top but I have spent many a sleepless night fretting over whether I was mean to a close friend, did I hurt her even tho’ I didn’t intend to, did I really be rude? I know its a bit too much and maybe I’m a bit warpy in the head but more often than not, I’m right.

And of course then I go through these periods of time, like now, when I truly feel I have been taken for granted. People know that I never mind, that its OK to be rude to me, that its OK to say anything they want and even ignore me, if you will, just because its me. Because I will never turn around and bit them in the ass and give them a fair share of what they put me through. But aint I also human? Dont I also feel hurt? Dont i also want somebody to hold and cry? to tell them what I feel confident that they will understand me without judging me for what I say?

Like I said, I dont know- maybe its me…or do u feel the same way?

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Its on days like today that i start questioning what relationships really mean…what they are…and how much of it is for real?  when we went to school all our friends had the concept of rakhi brother- a brother who was not flesh and blood but who was perhaps a brother of convenience…most of the time they turned out to be boyfriends at a later stage but well…that’s another story…the easiest way to meet boys in school and yet not hide and meet them. I, for one, always scorned this concept and for me this never existed…how could someone not related to you somehow be your brother? friend, buddy, pal? yeah…brother…nevaaah!!!

and then many years later I met this idiot ( lets call him A)who made me get my arse off my high horse and realize that sometimes these relationships do come true. He showed me that relationships go beyond sheer family…they are what you make of them…not necessarily what they were made to be.  And these relationships are really that touch you deep inside your soul, where perhaps youve always had a silent whine for a pal/buddy you’ve never had.

A and me dont go back very very long. Its not like we have known each other forever and grown up together. While i love believing in that kind of a soppy story and feel, the truth is A and i met through work, surprisingly thru my cousin brother. At that time A used to work for a coffee chain and I for a NGO. He was this charming young man who helped me out big time on a project i was doing and the next thing I knew i was introducing him to M and we were all having dinner together. Then A moved…to Hyderabad i think and i thought in my mind that it was nice knowing such a charming young guy, now that we wouldn’t be in touch anymore…those were the days when there was no facebook to claw you out of any semblance of sanity or privacy you might have left. We did lose touch and then got back in touch after some time and this time it continued. We grew closer and fonder of each other. and then he was going again…this time far far away where we wouldnt even be able to talk. i was sad and this time around i knew this would really be the end of our friendship…but we continued.

Somewhere over the years we became more than friends…he is the baby brother iv never had…to spoil, to scold, to love endlessly and to bitch with. he claims i am the sister he has never had ( he is too busy courting women to think of them as anything else anyway).

But all these days our relationship has never been tested the way it was yesterday. Something stupid i did led us to fight and for him to say some very mean things to me…and it hit me then… it shook me from the core of my soul and perhaps hurt me like my own brother would never ever have managed to do. and i cried…not for what he had said…but for what he made me out to be. i decided it wasnt worth picking up with him…because he probably didnt feel this way. And then today he came back…told me how he felt…about what I said, about us, about what I meant to his life. And while I sat there listning to him ( rather reading him online), I had tears streaming down my face. because i knew that somewhere in the world, far far away, there was also a small brother grieving at the hurt he caused someone who loved him for real. and he taught me that brothers are for real…even if they are not made of your own blood.

I love you lots A

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Just…

People say we are strong…so I guess we will make it through…

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When does it get too late?

The other day I met a friend who is very dear to me. Though I dont know him for a decade, the last 5 years that we’ve known each other, we’ve just seemed to hit it off …well…very well. It’s not that we talk everyday or meet every week ( he doesnt even stay here) but whenever we do, we seem to know what the other person is feeling. He is quite a jerk, even though i decide not to see it, but he is a complete sweetheart. Though he is not the quintessentially romantic type, he is extremely adorable at heart and Iv been trying to fix him up with a friend of mine for some time.

So last week, while we sat at home chatting and catching up, he mentioned that he “felt” he was in love. now he’s not the type to take anybody or anything seriously and always laughs at me when I tell him he should settle down. He said he always was in love with a childhood friend and he was about to get engaged to her about 2 years back ( which I knew but of course forgot!!!) but he didnt think he was ready then and had called it off. 2 years later, he regrets doing that and he wants to go back and tell her he loves her and wants her back. Incidentally, he is also leaving his hi-flying corporate job to pursue and study music and just follow his heart. He doesnt even know what she would say…how she would react…if she is seeing somebody   …anything. But as we sat chatting, somewhere deep down I knew this was going to be just right for him. I dont even know the girl and I dont know what will happen to their love story…but if a girl can make a man like him go weak in the knees, it must be something special. And while he is completely unsure of what he should do and say, he should say something- doesnt matter if it doesnt work, doesnt matter if she says no ( tho’ I know she wont), doesnt matter if it takes him another 2 years to marry her, he should tell her what he feels- because there might never be another chance.

And while I told him that, I thought of so many people I know- who got married to people they love but are not in love with. Sometimes just not telling somebody you love him/her at the right time might cause you a lot of pain for the rest of your life. While you might be happy in your world, accepting the past and what could have been and move on, somewhere deep down it hurts to remember what could have been, had you just said those three magic words at the right time. It does not take away anything just to say those words…instead it ca give you a world of happiness that you can never imagine.

Best of luck A!!!  Go and just say it- theres nothing thay you can lose!!!

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