Posts Tagged ‘friendship’

have you ever felt that you were emotionally drained? that you were giving too much of yourself to your friends, families, lover/loved ones and getting nothing in return? that you valued people much much more than they ever have? that you loved without being loved in return? that it was necessarily important to be loved in return when you love unconditionally? that there is something called unconditional love?

the last few days iv been constantly thinking about relationships and the significance it has in people’s lives. For me relationships hold huge amount of importance- whether it be friends, family, spouse. Office is possibly the only place where I don’t get emotionally involved but that is a conscious decision that I have made so that it helps me get my work done without thinking how others perceive. Despite this I still have a close friend at work who of course tells me that my nature at office has made everybody think that I hate them with a vengeance. which is good in a way. because if I have to deal with emotional soppy nonsense at work, I might as well hang myself and put the entire matter to rest ūüėČ

But really, when it comes to friends and family, I notice myself giving much more of myself than I probably give to err…myself. I care about what people say, what I say to people, what people think, blah, blah blah. M tells me I go over the top but I have spent many a sleepless night fretting over whether I was mean to a close friend, did I hurt her even tho’ I didn’t intend to, did I really be rude? I know its a bit too much and maybe I’m a bit warpy in the head but more often than not, I’m right.

And of course then I go through these periods of time, like now, when I truly feel I have been taken for granted. People know that I never mind, that its OK to be rude to me, that its OK to say anything they want and even ignore me, if you will, just because its me. Because I will never turn around and bit them in the ass and give them a fair share of what they put me through. But aint I also human? Dont I also feel hurt? Dont i also want somebody to hold and cry? to tell them what I feel confident that they will understand me without judging me for what I say?

Like I said, I dont know- maybe its me…or do u feel the same way?


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Is it Worth It?

The other day I spoke to a cousin of mine after 4 years. We had a major fight 4 years back and ever since then we’ve spoken once. ¬†While I would never claim that I am a saint, deep down in my heart I know that she did things that I could not forgive and forget. ¬†Families got involved and things got ugly…but thats another story altogether. But I just called her yesterday- just like that- out of the blue.¬†

Few nights ago I dreamt of her… nothing specific- I just kept seeing her fading in and out of my dreams- and when I got up, I knew I had to call her- not because I had forgotten everything that happened but because I felt it was God’s way of showing me a sign, of telling me to mend my relations and build my bridges before it is too late.¬†

I try my best to be a good human being because I sincerely believe that it is in this lifetime itself that we get paid back in our own coin and manifold- so if I dont like people being nasty to me, Im assuming other people feel the same way too. But its only in times when people really near and dear do horrible things just to malign somebody else that  I strongly feel and almost scarily start to believe that maybe its not worth it after all.

Another thing that happened recently also shook me up completely. Me and M had recently organised a lunch at home with a large number of our friends- all varied and completely mixed up. Lots of people, lots of food and lots of alcohol- actually too much of it. While everybody was happy and merry, I had got too merry- much more than I could handle and as a result , completely passed out while people were still at home.  Seeing me, M also decided to get in a power nap to revive his spirits and naturally crashed out with all the after effects of alcohol. So basically the hosts were down and out while the rest of the gang partied, ate, drank and made merry. Of course, some of  our friends are our saviours and just took over the party, serving people food and generally looking after them and after us.

What happened next was the most unbelievable part. When we woke up long after the party was over and came back to our senses the next day, it dawned on us that we were robbed of some amount of cash from the house. Completely shaken up and aghast at what could have happened, we tried putting together pieces of the puzzle, constantly trying to decipher what went wrong and how it could have happened. Some of our friends suggested that it could possible be the maid but I knew that my maid would die a hundred deaths before she even touched or flicked money from the house. She has the keys to my house. And if she wanted she could have flicked things in the last two years that she has been here- but there have been times when she has taken out washed and dried currency notes out of our trousers and returned it to us before even thinking of keeping it for herself.

And she was the one who saw one of our friends taking money out of our purses. She tried barging her way into the room when it was happening, but apparently she wasnt let in. And she didnt know how to tell us because she thought that if she tried to tell us that a friend was robbing, we would never believe her and instead doubt her integrity. Which of course didnt happen and I knew she was saying the truth because a lot of things that heppened in the few days post the lunch just added up to the person who could have taken it. And the worst part is now i know who has taken it but I have no proof that she/he has taken the money out. While my head says its true, my heart doesnt agree. 

I have decided to forget the situation, all the time consoling myself that maybe the person needed the money at that point of time and it was a moment of weakness. We all have our moments of weakness and maybe this was his/hers. But what disturbs me tremendously is that its someone I know, someone Im familiar with and someone I could trust before this incident happened. The person concerned also knows deep down somewhere in his/her heart that I know and what i feel about it- was it really worth it? was it worth breaking a vow of friendship knowing that I will never be able to trust him/her again? was it worth giving into vice for that one moment to sour a lifetime of friendship. 

This time too I forgive, not because I have forgotten the pain it has caused me but because I give them the benefit of the doubt- maybe it wasnt meant to be like this- maybe he/she really needed the money at that point of time for something urgent… but is it worth it?

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