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Just…

People say we are strong…so I guess we will make it through…

Daddy’s Little Girl

Iv always heard people say that girls share a bond with their father- a bond so deep that its inexplicable- a bond so deep that only those who have experienced it know whats its like, a bond so deep that perhaps now that dad is gone for good, will I realise what he meant to me.

Dad left for good about 3 weeks back- to a place from where he will never return. Never. And as I sit and type this, I can feel him looking down on me and smiling and nodding his head- proud that his little girl is holding up so well, fighting back her tears- probably sad that he went without even telling his little girl how much he loved her-but relieved of all the pain that he endured the last year. 

Baba, I miss you- I miss all those time we spent together laughing and joking, fighting and crying- just being together- just being there for each other. And as I sit here this evening, looking at the photograph on my table, I can feel you around me. But I’m angry- angry because you were not supposed to go, angry because u didnt wait for me, angry because u left us alone, angry because this was not supposed to be the way I had ever thought.  Angry, because now you’re here with me…not in person but in a frame. But beyond this anger, there is a love that I feel that cant be explained. 

I never told you that I loved you all the time that you were around except for the last time I saw you in hospital waving out to me the day I left. And even though I knew you would be ok, tears streamed down my face as I took that flight back to work, to routine. And as I sat there on the runway, I never thought I would have to come back so soon to say goodbye to you forever. But as the days pass and the pain grows deep, I realise that you will now be with me forever. It’s ironical that as long as you were here in person, you could never be with us at all times of day and night. And now while I cant hear you over the phone, I know I just have to close my eyes and reach out to you…and you will be there baba- holding my hand and guiding me through it all.

I love you baba…and I miss you.

baba

In Despair

I am not somebody who believes in the schpeel of destiny and fate and luck. And I’m not somebody who can be easily defeated- emotionally. But today as I sit here and write this, I feel drained completely- physically, mentally, emotionally. Nothing, just nothing seems to be going right.

As I sit in office right now and put my thoughts on paper, my father is being diagnosed for a block in his heart- I know what that means, though I don’t want to. My paternal family has a history of heart problem and Iv lost close relatives because of severe heart attacks and dad has just come out of a huge cerebral attack. M and me are going through enough crises of our own, trying to sort out some old nagging issues and start life on a fresh foot- thank god, we are okay together- because if we were not okay with each other, I don’t think we would have survived anything!!! He is truly my soul-mate and it is in these darkest hours of our lives that I realize what being married TRULY means!!! M’s mother has also been diagnosed with some kind of kidney problem and she is also on her way to getting cured and my brother is laid up with a very bad back, miles away from the country.

I rarely speak to GOD though I pray everyday. I sincerely believe there is a great difference between praying and speaking to God. I used to speak to him/her at one point of time when I believed in the notion. But over the years Iv seen too many things going wrong and it has completely shaken my belief in the existence of GOD. Of course there is something supernatural in this world- something or someone who tells you what to do, something or someone who is your conscience, but I do not necessarily believe in any physical manifestation of it. When I pray, I pray only for the health of my loved ones and for peace in the world- yes it might sound utterly philosophical but I feel that if those around me are healthy and there is peace and love in the world, everything else will automatically fall into place- maybe its just my perception but yes, that’s my belief.

So today, when I sit here despairing, not knowing whom to turn to, not knowing where to go to find some peace of mind, tears well up in my eyes. Because its probably me who’s cut off all relations with GOD upstairs that I cant find even a route to reach him/her again. Im sure all troubles pass- Iv heard others saying so. But I haven’t seen it myself. Im hoping it will because if it doesn’t, maybe that’s what destiny had in store for me.

When does it get too late?

The other day I met a friend who is very dear to me. Though I dont know him for a decade, the last 5 years that we’ve known each other, we’ve just seemed to hit it off …well…very well. It’s not that we talk everyday or meet every week ( he doesnt even stay here) but whenever we do, we seem to know what the other person is feeling. He is quite a jerk, even though i decide not to see it, but he is a complete sweetheart. Though he is not the quintessentially romantic type, he is extremely adorable at heart and Iv been trying to fix him up with a friend of mine for some time.

So last week, while we sat at home chatting and catching up, he mentioned that he “felt” he was in love. now he’s not the type to take anybody or anything seriously and always laughs at me when I tell him he should settle down. He said he always was in love with a childhood friend and he was about to get engaged to her about 2 years back ( which I knew but of course forgot!!!) but he didnt think he was ready then and had called it off. 2 years later, he regrets doing that and he wants to go back and tell her he loves her and wants her back. Incidentally, he is also leaving his hi-flying corporate job to pursue and study music and just follow his heart. He doesnt even know what she would say…how she would react…if she is seeing somebody   …anything. But as we sat chatting, somewhere deep down I knew this was going to be just right for him. I dont even know the girl and I dont know what will happen to their love story…but if a girl can make a man like him go weak in the knees, it must be something special. And while he is completely unsure of what he should do and say, he should say something- doesnt matter if it doesnt work, doesnt matter if she says no ( tho’ I know she wont), doesnt matter if it takes him another 2 years to marry her, he should tell her what he feels- because there might never be another chance.

And while I told him that, I thought of so many people I know- who got married to people they love but are not in love with. Sometimes just not telling somebody you love him/her at the right time might cause you a lot of pain for the rest of your life. While you might be happy in your world, accepting the past and what could have been and move on, somewhere deep down it hurts to remember what could have been, had you just said those three magic words at the right time. It does not take away anything just to say those words…instead it ca give you a world of happiness that you can never imagine.

Best of luck A!!!  Go and just say it- theres nothing thay you can lose!!!

Platonic Infidelity

The other day we went to watch Luck by Chance- not to see the movie…but to see Farhan Akhtar of course!!! And while we sat there, two women, stuffing our faces with popcorn and drooling over FA, there appeared the Italian God, also known as Hrithik Roshan to blow us away. I didnt know who to look at, who was better, who was hotter…FA or HR. And I joked that this was the height of platonic infidelity…drool over one man and admire another. And while I sat there and watched the movie, this thought stuck in my head forever. 

Is there anything called platonic infidelity? Does it ever happen that your first love continues to be your first love, no matter how old you were and no matter how trivial it was? Is it possible to love someone without even knowing or even caring if you are loved in return? Is there anything called unrequited love? Is there any need to be loved always? Does reciprocation mean you will love a person more or can you continue to love without even thinking what you are getting in return?

It’s sad…

It’s sad that I have to sit her and write this post today against a woman I looked up to and believed in- Barkha Dutt. I have always been interested in the media and Barkha Dutt was really my first introduction to the world of journalism. I believed that she had some mettle and the will to make a change, reporting stories that had value and did not indulge in stupid sensational jornalism. But that was aeons back.

And now as I sit here and type this in, I am angry, hurt and upset at her insensitivity and stupidity. This post should have come long back, right after the Mumbai massacre but I guess its Chandni and the Mad Momma who reminded me of the rage through their posts that I have actually sat down and decided to pen it down. Not only has she let all of us down but also proved to the world that she is too caught up in her own halo to take criticism and work on it.

As I sat and saw the massacre unfold on television over 60 ghastly hours, what struck me the most was how television journalism was really using this event to raise their TRPs instead of doing their job- reporting. Senior journalists like Barkha Dutt were shoving their cameras and mikes into people’s faces asking them how they felt about the carnage and what was happening. I am sure it was a tough job being there in the media of that horrible event and it must ahve taken a toll both physically and mentally, but to behave like insensitive blokes was a different ball game altogether. Yes, we understand your position…but we are disappointed at how you handled it. And we are disappointed that you cant take criticism. I was so disgusted with the reporting that in my sense of outrage I called up NDTV and wanted to speak to someone senior. Not only was my call transferred to atleast 10 people, somebody very rude came on line, asked me to mind my own business and hung up. WTF? We see your channel and thats why you get paid. If you cant handle people telling you what they feel, this is  not your cup of tea honey.

If you believe in the power of journalism, you should also realise that it also means a freedom of expression. So if you are free to shove your camera in people’s faces at their time of grief and sorrow, we are also free to express our disgust at the way it was done.

While all you great reporters out there have the right to express your opinions and report the way you want to, its really time that you learn to take criticism in the right way and live upto the tag of responsible journalism. Your job is to report for the people and if the people feel you are not doing the right thing, it is definitely your job to sit up, take notice and correct your actions…not pull up a blogger who has said what he wants to. Pick somebody your own size if you want to fight.  Really

Is it Worth It?

The other day I spoke to a cousin of mine after 4 years. We had a major fight 4 years back and ever since then we’ve spoken once.  While I would never claim that I am a saint, deep down in my heart I know that she did things that I could not forgive and forget.  Families got involved and things got ugly…but thats another story altogether. But I just called her yesterday- just like that- out of the blue. 

Few nights ago I dreamt of her… nothing specific- I just kept seeing her fading in and out of my dreams- and when I got up, I knew I had to call her- not because I had forgotten everything that happened but because I felt it was God’s way of showing me a sign, of telling me to mend my relations and build my bridges before it is too late. 

I try my best to be a good human being because I sincerely believe that it is in this lifetime itself that we get paid back in our own coin and manifold- so if I dont like people being nasty to me, Im assuming other people feel the same way too. But its only in times when people really near and dear do horrible things just to malign somebody else that  I strongly feel and almost scarily start to believe that maybe its not worth it after all.

Another thing that happened recently also shook me up completely. Me and M had recently organised a lunch at home with a large number of our friends- all varied and completely mixed up. Lots of people, lots of food and lots of alcohol- actually too much of it. While everybody was happy and merry, I had got too merry- much more than I could handle and as a result , completely passed out while people were still at home.  Seeing me, M also decided to get in a power nap to revive his spirits and naturally crashed out with all the after effects of alcohol. So basically the hosts were down and out while the rest of the gang partied, ate, drank and made merry. Of course, some of  our friends are our saviours and just took over the party, serving people food and generally looking after them and after us.

What happened next was the most unbelievable part. When we woke up long after the party was over and came back to our senses the next day, it dawned on us that we were robbed of some amount of cash from the house. Completely shaken up and aghast at what could have happened, we tried putting together pieces of the puzzle, constantly trying to decipher what went wrong and how it could have happened. Some of our friends suggested that it could possible be the maid but I knew that my maid would die a hundred deaths before she even touched or flicked money from the house. She has the keys to my house. And if she wanted she could have flicked things in the last two years that she has been here- but there have been times when she has taken out washed and dried currency notes out of our trousers and returned it to us before even thinking of keeping it for herself.

And she was the one who saw one of our friends taking money out of our purses. She tried barging her way into the room when it was happening, but apparently she wasnt let in. And she didnt know how to tell us because she thought that if she tried to tell us that a friend was robbing, we would never believe her and instead doubt her integrity. Which of course didnt happen and I knew she was saying the truth because a lot of things that heppened in the few days post the lunch just added up to the person who could have taken it. And the worst part is now i know who has taken it but I have no proof that she/he has taken the money out. While my head says its true, my heart doesnt agree. 

I have decided to forget the situation, all the time consoling myself that maybe the person needed the money at that point of time and it was a moment of weakness. We all have our moments of weakness and maybe this was his/hers. But what disturbs me tremendously is that its someone I know, someone Im familiar with and someone I could trust before this incident happened. The person concerned also knows deep down somewhere in his/her heart that I know and what i feel about it- was it really worth it? was it worth breaking a vow of friendship knowing that I will never be able to trust him/her again? was it worth giving into vice for that one moment to sour a lifetime of friendship. 

This time too I forgive, not because I have forgotten the pain it has caused me but because I give them the benefit of the doubt- maybe it wasnt meant to be like this- maybe he/she really needed the money at that point of time for something urgent… but is it worth it?