Feeds:
Posts
Comments

Archive for the ‘relationships’ Category

Past Baggage?

Does your past ever evade you?  Or does it form a part of your present?

For me my past is an integral part of who I am today. It has taught me to love and lose, to cry over something lost and to smile for the happiness it has brought forth, to miss the moments that were and to smile for the fact that they happened, to realize that it’s finally over and to know that it’s over for a reason.

But then, does love ever stop?  For me love never dies, it changes form. So for someone I’ve loved with all my heart and soul, the love will never cease to be there. But it has a new dimension – from romantic illusions of a life together, it is a quite and resilient happiness for all that is signifies today- for him to be in a place he is happy in and I to be happy for him, irrespective of who he is with and where.

For me, my past was never a romantic affair that ended mid-way with copious amounts of tears and tearing and burning of mushy cards. My past was a love who perhaps never knew how much I loved him and wanted to be a part of his life. It’s weird because with him I can’t imagine that I would have ever held his hands and taken a walk by the beach, whispering sweet nothings. With him it was more of loving him by being with him, by being around him and most importantly belonging to him. That’s the only thing that I’ve ever wanted- to belong to him, not in a slave kind of way but in a way that nobody has ever felt – that close, that familiar. And that never happened. I loved, I lost. But it etched my mind forever- with a love that can never be washed away…

Today I am a stronger woman- a happier woman. I know I have enough love in my heart to give to someone who doesn’t care and someone who does. And for both I’m thankful.

Read Full Post »

have you ever felt that you were emotionally drained? that you were giving too much of yourself to your friends, families, lover/loved ones and getting nothing in return? that you valued people much much more than they ever have? that you loved without being loved in return? that it was necessarily important to be loved in return when you love unconditionally? that there is something called unconditional love?

the last few days iv been constantly thinking about relationships and the significance it has in people’s lives. For me relationships hold huge amount of importance- whether it be friends, family, spouse. Office is possibly the only place where I don’t get emotionally involved but that is a conscious decision that I have made so that it helps me get my work done without thinking how others perceive. Despite this I still have a close friend at work who of course tells me that my nature at office has made everybody think that I hate them with a vengeance. which is good in a way. because if I have to deal with emotional soppy nonsense at work, I might as well hang myself and put the entire matter to rest 😉

But really, when it comes to friends and family, I notice myself giving much more of myself than I probably give to err…myself. I care about what people say, what I say to people, what people think, blah, blah blah. M tells me I go over the top but I have spent many a sleepless night fretting over whether I was mean to a close friend, did I hurt her even tho’ I didn’t intend to, did I really be rude? I know its a bit too much and maybe I’m a bit warpy in the head but more often than not, I’m right.

And of course then I go through these periods of time, like now, when I truly feel I have been taken for granted. People know that I never mind, that its OK to be rude to me, that its OK to say anything they want and even ignore me, if you will, just because its me. Because I will never turn around and bit them in the ass and give them a fair share of what they put me through. But aint I also human? Dont I also feel hurt? Dont i also want somebody to hold and cry? to tell them what I feel confident that they will understand me without judging me for what I say?

Like I said, I dont know- maybe its me…or do u feel the same way?

Read Full Post »

Its on days like today that i start questioning what relationships really mean…what they are…and how much of it is for real?  when we went to school all our friends had the concept of rakhi brother- a brother who was not flesh and blood but who was perhaps a brother of convenience…most of the time they turned out to be boyfriends at a later stage but well…that’s another story…the easiest way to meet boys in school and yet not hide and meet them. I, for one, always scorned this concept and for me this never existed…how could someone not related to you somehow be your brother? friend, buddy, pal? yeah…brother…nevaaah!!!

and then many years later I met this idiot ( lets call him A)who made me get my arse off my high horse and realize that sometimes these relationships do come true. He showed me that relationships go beyond sheer family…they are what you make of them…not necessarily what they were made to be.  And these relationships are really that touch you deep inside your soul, where perhaps youve always had a silent whine for a pal/buddy you’ve never had.

A and me dont go back very very long. Its not like we have known each other forever and grown up together. While i love believing in that kind of a soppy story and feel, the truth is A and i met through work, surprisingly thru my cousin brother. At that time A used to work for a coffee chain and I for a NGO. He was this charming young man who helped me out big time on a project i was doing and the next thing I knew i was introducing him to M and we were all having dinner together. Then A moved…to Hyderabad i think and i thought in my mind that it was nice knowing such a charming young guy, now that we wouldn’t be in touch anymore…those were the days when there was no facebook to claw you out of any semblance of sanity or privacy you might have left. We did lose touch and then got back in touch after some time and this time it continued. We grew closer and fonder of each other. and then he was going again…this time far far away where we wouldnt even be able to talk. i was sad and this time around i knew this would really be the end of our friendship…but we continued.

Somewhere over the years we became more than friends…he is the baby brother iv never had…to spoil, to scold, to love endlessly and to bitch with. he claims i am the sister he has never had ( he is too busy courting women to think of them as anything else anyway).

But all these days our relationship has never been tested the way it was yesterday. Something stupid i did led us to fight and for him to say some very mean things to me…and it hit me then… it shook me from the core of my soul and perhaps hurt me like my own brother would never ever have managed to do. and i cried…not for what he had said…but for what he made me out to be. i decided it wasnt worth picking up with him…because he probably didnt feel this way. And then today he came back…told me how he felt…about what I said, about us, about what I meant to his life. And while I sat there listning to him ( rather reading him online), I had tears streaming down my face. because i knew that somewhere in the world, far far away, there was also a small brother grieving at the hurt he caused someone who loved him for real. and he taught me that brothers are for real…even if they are not made of your own blood.

I love you lots A

Read Full Post »