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Archive for April, 2010

The Men in My Life

In order of preference…tho’ the preference keeps changing according to the mood…but its always them

For the smile and the wit

For making salt and pepper so sexy and so far far removed from food

For the perennial white shirt and blue jeans and the love for food and cooking

For the smile and the innocence in the eyes

And lastly…and most importantly…M…for accepting me with all my men 🙂

I love you lots…

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have you ever felt that you were emotionally drained? that you were giving too much of yourself to your friends, families, lover/loved ones and getting nothing in return? that you valued people much much more than they ever have? that you loved without being loved in return? that it was necessarily important to be loved in return when you love unconditionally? that there is something called unconditional love?

the last few days iv been constantly thinking about relationships and the significance it has in people’s lives. For me relationships hold huge amount of importance- whether it be friends, family, spouse. Office is possibly the only place where I don’t get emotionally involved but that is a conscious decision that I have made so that it helps me get my work done without thinking how others perceive. Despite this I still have a close friend at work who of course tells me that my nature at office has made everybody think that I hate them with a vengeance. which is good in a way. because if I have to deal with emotional soppy nonsense at work, I might as well hang myself and put the entire matter to rest 😉

But really, when it comes to friends and family, I notice myself giving much more of myself than I probably give to err…myself. I care about what people say, what I say to people, what people think, blah, blah blah. M tells me I go over the top but I have spent many a sleepless night fretting over whether I was mean to a close friend, did I hurt her even tho’ I didn’t intend to, did I really be rude? I know its a bit too much and maybe I’m a bit warpy in the head but more often than not, I’m right.

And of course then I go through these periods of time, like now, when I truly feel I have been taken for granted. People know that I never mind, that its OK to be rude to me, that its OK to say anything they want and even ignore me, if you will, just because its me. Because I will never turn around and bit them in the ass and give them a fair share of what they put me through. But aint I also human? Dont I also feel hurt? Dont i also want somebody to hold and cry? to tell them what I feel confident that they will understand me without judging me for what I say?

Like I said, I dont know- maybe its me…or do u feel the same way?

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A year…

It’s exactly one year today since I last heard my dad. Since I last heard him call my name, since I last heard him laugh, since I last heard him tell me how much he missed me around.

I go back to Kolkata again today…to remember him and mourn him with the family…together…to hold ma tight and tell her she’s not alone, to remember baba together for all the good times and all the hard times, to remember his jokes and his antics, to wish that this day never came into our lives.

In the last one year I dont think there has ever been a day when I havent wished him here…around me…physically. There have been so many times when Iv picked up the phone to call him, only to realize that its futile. His number still stays on my phone, with his name and his picture…and I look at it wistfully hoping one day it will ring and he will be on the other end, talking to me. I dont cry anymore…my tears have dried up long long ago…tears dont come to me anymore…not even if I try hard.

One year ago I didnt think I could pass a day without him around. I couldnt move a step without holding his hand, I couldnt do anything without telling him…how would I live? but a year has gone by and we have emereged out of it…alive…accepting…not stronger.

Baba…u live in each one of us…every single moment, every single day…ur gone…but only in body. You remain my hero…now and forever.

I miss you and I love you.

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