Archive for September, 2007

I cant work

I really fail to understand where the problem lies…………..I cant work- and when i say this, pl understand this is not a frivolous statement made on a hectic day of getting bogged down under tremendous pressure. But instead, it is a well calcualted thought out part of my personality that Im trying to come to terms with- WHAT THE HELL IS THE PROBLEM? Why cant I get myself to do something nice and work hard and enjoy my work? This is not to say that I dont enjoy work- I love working but I cant work for too long- I get tired very easily, not physically but emotionally. And god help if I take a dislike to the organisation or any person at any stage- that just spells disaster for me- I will cry all the way to work and all the while there, literally. And the only time the faintest hint of smile that will appear at the end of my lips will be when Im packing up to leave for the day. And this can continue for days……………..and it usually ends in me quitting the job and looking for another one. Like a very close friend told me the other day- that my resume shall soon look like a 31st night party hopper. But Im smarter than that- I usually have the knack to be friendly and always manage to leave all orgs ( ok, most of them) on a very good note, as a result of which Im pals with a lot of my ex-bosses. So I called up thsi ex-boss in my hometown and told him that I was going to show my work ex for a longer period of time with his org than it was in reality- and did u know what he said? yes………..go ahead- and he solved one issue for me at that time.
But the problem lies somewhere else- I hate working for someone else- why should I waste my energy and time and put in so much of effort for something that I can use to my advantage. I work in a very niche sector and its something that does not affect the financila ups and downs of an organisation. So if I can use it to my advantage , why not? I think Ill just do that………but I need some reassuarnce to give up a full time job and just freelance and maybe put in some part time hours also….For those of you who know me, please tell me what you feel considering the fact that you knw me so well and for those of u who dont, pl tell me anyway, is it me or does verybody feel this way?


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It’s very sad when you lose a friend in life. A friend who’s been there with you through thick and thin. A friend who’s understood what you want to say before you’ve even uttered a word. A friend who’s solved your worries by counting the creases on your face. And then one fine day it’s all over………….just like that. Some small argument and then the whole thing blows up in your face.
I lost a friend, a very dear friend. We have been friends almost from the time we were born. My first memories of us together are framed by the black and white photographs of us playing together, where the corners have curled up to leave a crease across the face. Maybe it’s just a co-incidence that the crease runs between the space that we both share in the photograph or maybe it’s just a sign that the relationship would never hold true or maybe it was a warning that we needed to iron out the creases just in time.
It all started a few years back when he started seeing women. He always had an opinion on everything in my life and I never minded that. Today, in retrospect I feel maybe that was the cause to our end. Maybe familiarity actually bred contempt. Like him, even I felt I had the right to comment on what he did with his life. And somehow I never liked the women he dated, except for one. And I told him so in very comprehensible terms. Maybe they were too old for him, or too shrewd, or too weird………and the list continued.

We moved on in life, pretending that the strains didn’t show. And like all other people we also moved onto other friends, explored other options. I always tried making him a part of my friend circle and he surprisingly got along like a house on fire with my boyfriend then, now my husband. But somehow, he could never adjust to my friend circle. He befriended them for some time, pretending all was gung ho but fell out soon because of some conflict he had with them. Theirs was a relationship which was independent of my existence and I thought it was best that I don’t interfere and mess up things further. Because all the people concerned were adults and had minds of their own. And I had no right to interfere in something that didn’t concern me. I. however, tried to talk to him when I felt things were going out of control but he never listened. He instead turned around and blamed me and my friends for bad mouthing him and his family, to the extent that his mother and sister got involved in it too and blamed me for the whole episode.
And things moved from bad to worse to the extent that he didn’t even come for my wedding because some others were there. He came, dropped his mom and left. I felt upset, very upset but realized that day that if he could not forget things and be happy for me on my day, maybe even I should let go and just move on. Maybe it was time to forge new relationships and keep the old one as pleasant memories in a safe corner of my soul to dig out and fondly remember in times of solitude. His friendship is an experience I love to keep for myself because till the time we were friends, we were also soul mates. There was no romantic connection but something somewhere told us that we understood and loved each other for what we were. I have lost him for good but I don’t think I will ever be able to let go of his friendship. SO what, if its just a memory?

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1. Yourself: Mostly pleasant
2. Your Partner: Makes me feel loved and wanted.
3. Your hair: Black
4. Your father: Has his moods but tries to be nice
5. Your mother: OTT
6. Your favorite item: My books
7. Your dream last night: Can’t remember
8. Your favorite drink: Vodka and diet coke
9. Your dream car: Red Ferrari
10. The room you are in : Is generally neat
11.Your Ex: Was full of hair
12.Your fear: Death
13.What you want to be in 10 yrs: Rich, succesful and famous
14. Who you hung out with last night: Marky Boy
15. What you’re not: Rude
16. Muffins: Yeah….with some whipped cream and choco chips
17. One of your wish list items: To stop being fickle about jobs
18. Time: is running out
19. The last thing you did: Spoke to Marky Boy
20. What are you wearing: Jeans and T-shirt
21. Your favorite weather: Monsoon in India
22. Your favorite book: Ooooh! cannot pick just one.
23. The last thing you ate/drank: A cup of tea
24. Your life: Needs to a bit more stabilised
25. Your mood: Swings wildly.
26. Your best friend: Marky Boy, PJ,JJ
27. What are you thinking about right now: My backache
28. Your car: is functional
29. What are you doing at the moment: Writing this tag
30. Your summer: Are excruciatingly tiresome
31. Your relationship status: Married
32. What is on your TV: Nothing as of now
33. What is the weather like: Hot and sultry
34. When was the last time you laughed: Last week- I really havent laughed for so long

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